All Good Things ComeTo Those Who Wait

For those who don't already know, Josh and I spent 8 weeks going through a round of Invitro Fertilization last spring. We spend 8 weeks of appointments, shots, etc. to implant 3 embryos and find that is was unsuccessful with no embryos left to freeze. For those who do/did know, thank you for your support and constant prayers. I kept a blog as a diary for myself during the whole process but never posted The below post was my last entry written the day Dr. Putman told us that we were unsuccessful and would have to look into our next options...

May 8, 2014 

Waiting sucks. No other way to put it. We did everything we could to keep ourselves busy and I did my best to stay stress free and activity free. Even though I didn't have to wait the full dreaded "two week wait" (it was only 9 days) I was still full of anxiety the closer and closer I got to my test day. I was good and did not test at home, though maybe that would have eased my mind. I wasn't prepared for how emotional I would be the day of, I was on the verge of tears almost the whole way to Dr. Putman's office (an hour drive). I just did not have a good feeling but trying to stay positive was hard. How do you keep the positive front up so much without convincing yourself of something that might not happen and not heartbroken when it's not? I did my best when I got to work, but ended up going home at lunch so that I could get the call in the comfort of my own home. Well I am glad I did. Dr. Putman called around 1:15 to confirm my gut feeling and tell us that he was sorry but unfortunately we were not pregnant. I was heartbroken. And I think Dr. Putman even started to get choked up. Ok now what...I just found out that what we had been hoping for since January was not happening. All of the injections, sonograms, blood work, hour drives downtown for 7:30 am appointments, and money were for nothing.....at least it seemed. I gave myself 10 minutes to ugly cry, talked to one of my best friends for support, and sat by myself in my quiet living room to process it. I still had to tell Josh, and he wouldn't be home for another 2 hours. I wanted so bad to text him but I couldn't, some things just needed to be said in person. When he got home he could tell as soon as he saw me. He was sad. We were sad. But it's going to be alright.

 If we did not go through this process it would not only make us stronger each as a person, but in our marriage. This whole process has been hard and it has brought us closer every day, I couldn't ask for a better husband to be by my side through it all. If we did not do this we also wouldn't have gotten more answers. For the first time in over 2 years we had some. We learned that there is really no good chance that we will ever have children on our own, but we now know that next time we could increase the chance of more embryos by doing ICSI for all eggs retrieved. We also learned that the egg quality isn't as good as it should be for my age, but next time they can do endometrial co-culture to help the embryos grow.

While we are heartbroken, we are hopeful. We know that this is not the end but just the beginning of more answers or the next step. At the end of the month we will meet with him again to discuss the option of trying another round. It's going to be awhile though, since we do not have any frozen embryos we will have to pay for the entire process again. We never really discussed what would happen if this didn't work. So until then, we have a lot of talking to do :) Thank you to those that have been so supportive in our journey, we would never have been able to get through it without you. And to those that we hadn't shared this with, we wish we could have, but were trying to save every bit of normalcy that we could so that we could surprise friends and family. We are sad that we aren't able to do that, but just wait - we'll have news one day......